Why I hate the unexpected.

Today I went to the local DSS building to get this paperwork my therapist told me to get and she would help me with. Sounds so easy.

The Other Half and I ventured out when I was ready. We got there. Through the metal detector. Almost done. Wait for the receptionist. Seems like forever. Finally I’m at the window. I explain I’m there for paperwork to get temporary assistance due to mental illness. I’m then told to fill out a piece of paper and I’d have to meet with someone.

Wait. What?!

Breath.

Ok. I can do this.

Working on filling out the paper the room fills up. Next thing I know someone is on the phone attached to the wall near me. Standing. Talking loudly. Right in my space. I move over. This is apparently invitation to move MORE into my space.

I’m crowded in now. The room is full. I can’t concentrate. Breath. I need to breath. I want to cry. Run away back to the car. Go home. I get very fidgety, shaking my foot. This is not good.

But I wait.

My name is finally called. I meet with a very bored DSS worker. She tells me a lot of info about the paperwork and assistance I can qualify for. It’s hard to concentrate. My anxiety is through the roof. I just want to go home.

I’m finally given my paperwork. I can fill it out there or take it home. But I have to turn it in within 24 hours or I have to go through this all over.

Great…

I choose to take it home and leave.

Home brings relief but also an overflow of emotions. It takes about 15 minuets to really calm down.

Relax.

Breath.

I felt betrayed. Like I was set up. If I’d known I had to do so much there I would have prepared more. Gone earlier when it would be less busy.

But. The ball is rolling now. Tomorrow means I have to go back to drop off the paperwork. Little steps. I also meet with the therapist again tomorrow, then the nurse the day after. I hope that means I can get some relief for these symptoms.

Tonight I’m taking the last of my ambian to get some sleep tonight as I’ve had so many issues sleeping and staying asleep.

Cooking therapy…

Today the Other Half and I went to my Dad and Step-moms place. I love to cook for them. It gives my Dad a break from the daily cooking duties and I love to cook. Win win. Plus it’s so relaxing for me when I cook.

Today I made lasagna. Which I hate to brag but I’ve been told is amazing. It was amazingly relaxing cooking today. Which my lasagna is also a bit of a process since I make my sauce from scratch. Well mostly.

Anyway. It was a nice day. Good food. Relaxing. It was nice seeing my dad sit down with the Other Half and enjoy a hockey game while I cooked.

It also gave me a chance to sit down and talk to my dad about his side of the family and any mental health issues that we might have. Which seems to only be ADHD. Tomorrow will be a phone call to Mom. I want to try and really track our mental health genealogy. I realize now more than ever how important that can be.

Maybe if my my family knew what we know now about depression and anxiety my life would have been different. I remember so vividly being so scared to go to school. Apparently when I was in about first grade I refused to go to school and my father thought it was me being “defiant” and took me kicking and screaming to school. I have no memory of this.

I don’t want my niece and nephews to go through what I did. So long not knowing. So I will follow this as far as I can in our family.

I also realize how long I’ve suffered with anxiety. It’s always been the monster on my back…

3am

Here I am again. 3am. Awake. Sleepless. I shouldn’t have taken a nap earlier. I knew better. But the lure of my comfy bed was too comfy for me to resist.

I still feel pretty awful all day but it is still better now that I’ve reduced the lexapro. It makes me want to taper off another 10mg just to see if it makes me feel better…

Something I know I need to talk to the nurse about on Wednesday. So much I need to talk to her about. I have to make a list or I will forget. Concerns. Symptoms. Ect…

I’m just counting down the days now. Waiting for this appointment.

Sleepless

I’m laying here in bed. Well past 3am. I’m wide awake. My mind is having a grand time running off with my thoughts instead of letting me sleep.

Today was a weird day. I feel like I actually had some moments of calm today. Compared to how I typically feel all day every day…on edge and constantly filled with anxiety the calm is nice.

I hate it. Because I know it will leave. But. I’m wondering now if the reason I’ve felt so much worse is the increase the walk in clinic did on my lexapro. That 10mg increase sent me into a horrible spiral.

Two days ago I decided to drop the extra 10mg and go back to my original dose of 20mg. Today makes day three of back to 20mg and I wonder if that’s why I feel a little better.

I don’t think I realized the added anxiety at first due to the Valium they also prescribed. Leaving me a mess when it was gone.

Counting down the days now till I get to talk to someone finally about my meds. This has got to change.

Struggling…

I feel less than inspired to write let alone do anything else.

It’s been rough the last few days.  Just getting through the days.  Waiting.  Counting down until I can hope for some relief.  I’m left with an option of going to the ER.  Which at this moment almost seems tempting.  Except I know the cost of a visit is unneeded.  What if they want to keep me?  No.  I wont go.

Its a strange feeling.  Like everything is about to spin out of control.  The room.  I know is in one place.  But.  I feel it.  Starting to spin.  No.  And this is not because I’ve been taking anything or drinking too much.  No.  No.  This is daily.  Its like I have someone sitting on my chest.  Panic.  Anxiety.  Fear.  For no good reason.

I sit day after day.  Hoping.  Maybe it will be better today.  Maybe today will be a better day.

Sometimes I wish I could just sleep it all away…

One more week…

Today I had my second appointment with the therapist.  Whew.  Emotionally I’m exhausted.  I’m not really sure what she asked…or…it it was just the walk to the appointment that got me worked up with anxiety but…starting things off with a full on room starting to spin panic attack.  Well I’m sure you can guess how well things went.

Honestly I don’t know what happened today.  I realized some things I’ve been holding in for so long…and had no idea.  Admitting it, to myself mostly….once I get these thoughts organized more I’ll try to write more…but I’m still all jumbled…

What I do know is I have my first appointment on the road to atleast getting on the right meds.  I see the nurse for the clinic next week. I HOPE she can atleast get me a refill on the valium at that point, I have to do an intake appointment with her first before I see the psychiatrist.  But until then I’m without and struggling.

I’ve also apparently been fired.  Which they have yet to tell me but I’ve heard it through other people.  I’m considering this on top of everything else thats happened there I may consider legal actions.  Which means I have no income.  So thankfully my therapist is sending me off to DSS to get paperwork so I can get assistance due to mental illness.  I’m so glad she’s willing to help me get that right now…not that I EVER wanted to live on assistance like that I know for sure I can NOT work the way I feel right now.

I feel like I’m failing.  I’m letting everyone down.  I hate it.

Sleep. My friend. Why did you go…?

There is something so defeating about the insomnia starting.  Up until now while my sleep was riddled with constant waking and such, I was atleast sleeping.  Last night, I sat.  Hour…after hour…after hour…waiting…hoping for sleep.  Instead I think I dozed off just before 7am.

The Other half wakes at 8am to get ready for work.  No biggie.  Gotta take some pain relievers anyway.

Back to bed.

Waiting.

Ok.  TV on atleast I can close my eyes and listen to that.

Oh no…no no no…pain killers on an empty stomach I know better than that what was I thinking???!!  Twenty minuets throwing up…back to bed.  I think it was about 10 when I finally fell asleep.

I’m up now.  Kitties informed Momma that it was in fact breakfast time.

Time for coffee.  Maybe if I’m lucky a nap later.  I feel physically tired but my mind screams at me “IM AWAKE!!!!!!!”

And things started off so well…

My mind is having a field day with me today.  I keep swinging between feeling overly motivated I’m going to talk a mile a minuet, and take care of everything on my to do list…to so overwhelmed with anxiety I don’t know whats going on anymore.

I’ve already erased and re-written this post many times today.  Thankfully as I write I start to realize this BRILLIANT idea I HAD to write about is really just ramblings of my over thinking/working mind before I posted any of that silliness.  I’m finding my ability to filter these things weakening.

I’m getting moodier.  Everything pisses me off now.  For no reason.  *sigh*  Makes being around people hard.  Honestly I’ve not left the house in days.  I KNOW I need to, but I can’t take other people.  Monday brings my next appointment which I atleast have to walk to, good thing, I need it.

I know I need to write some of these things down for my appointment on Monday or I will never remember to talk about it with my therapist. I’ve also been all but out of my Valium.  That DOES NOT HELP.  I took a half of a 5mg awhile ago.  I realized it might be one of those times I was saving it for.  I gotta stop this feeling of spinning out of control.

I hate today.

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Days just keep getting worse. I’m so mad all the time now. For no reason. Motivation is not there.

I push myself to atleast make sure the Zoo is feed and happy.

Cleaning has slowed but progress is being made.

I blame the Valium or lack there of. I’ve only been taking it when I really really need it. Which means some days I won’t take it to conserve it. Today is one of those days.

I’m on edge. Can’t take the edge off. I feel like a caged animal. About to explode.

The idea of leaving my apartment scares the crap out of me. But I really need to. It’s been days since I’ve actually been outside.

My focus is off. I just can’t stay on one thing for long and that drives me insane. I’m shaky. Constantly needing to be moving. I’m not hungry. I force myself to eat because I need to bot because I’m hungry. And please don’t get me wrong. I LOVE food. I always joke being a small girl that I’m a fat kid stuck in a skinny girls body that’s how much I love food and love to eat. So this not eating thing is not cool.

The Other Half is doing his best to help. He surprised me with a new DS game and Frozen yesterday. Both I’ve been wanting. And it sure helped my mood. He does is best. And I’m so best thankful for him. He keeps me grounded sometimes when I think I’m about to lose my mind.

I feel disjointed and rambley today as I write. My state of mine I suppose.

I’m feeling so hopeless right now. I hope my appointment on Monday helps calm me.

Maybe some art later. It’s not like sleep comes as easy anymore.
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I am…moody.

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This terrible mood has settled in to stay for awhile it seems.  I’m super moody today.  Everything is just annoying to me.  I want to scream…cry…pull my hair out…go back to bed…I don’t know.  I feel achy…my joints hurt….my knee is the worst of it…which was injured a few years back, and I have arthritis in it now…

I have no motivation to do a damn thing today.

Not even some art work…

I just keep telling myself maybe later..

I want it not to be cold out.  I want my damn windows open.  I want the fresh air.

I don’t want to be around people.  I can’t stand anything today.  Last thing I want to do is snap at some poor unexpecting person who does something that makes me mad for what ever reason.  Or worse.  Take it out on my Other Half because he did something without knowing and that…for whatever…reason has pissed me off.  Then I become the biggest brat in the world.  In public.  I can’t do that again.

So today I sit at home.  My cats seem to know I need some space.  Yet…they will come sit next to me for short times.  They know when I need them there.

Maybe just going back to bed would be a good idea…