The Anxiety Bomb

I suppose anyone who’s experienced an anxiety disorder knows when it hits hard it’s like a bomb has gone off in their life. Nothing is the same. Little things, like simply running out to the store for a gallon of milk can turn into what feels like the end of the world.

This has been my world for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was a shy child, different I believe is how my parents put it, and not in a bad way I just always lived in my own world. A very scary world that no one else seemed to ever understand.

I was chronically sick with upset stomachs, to the point where I missed a lot of school but not just that underwent many unnecessary testings. Drinking barium to make sure I had no stomach issues. An echocardiogram because I had chest pains so bad I thought I was dying.

As I got older I remember pacing in our mudroom trying to force myself out the door to go to school, all but hyperventilating.

But. It wasn’t until I was 15, my parents separated and I refused to go back to school.

In turn. I was thrown into therapy. And diagnosed with major depressive disorder. For the next few years I was treated for this. But the anxiety. Well I just thought that was a normal part of life and I managed as best I could.

At 25, in college I began to have terrible chest pains. In the end I was finally diagnosed with anxiety.

It’s been a battle ever since. Different meds. Some that have made me feel flat. Others. Worked for a time. And that seems to be my cycle. I find meds that work. For a time. Then it’s adjusting the dose up. Until. They just don’t work and it’s like the bomb goes off again. My life feels like its a disaster zone. Nothing makes sense. I can’t leave my home. Work. Even just cleaning becomes so overwhelming I want to hide.

Two years ago I hit bottom. And for the first time the new meds I was given made me feel…normal…or as close as I have ever been. But slowly. Things got bad. Meds adjusted. Again. And again.

And that brings me to today. Not only has the anxiety become so overwhelming I can hardly function but my doctor has retired and the process of finding a new one is very overwhelming. Currently the medications I’m on are all but a bandaid for the intensity of what I feel daily.

I’m picking up after the latest bomb blast. It’s scary. And I feel so alone. I know I’m not. But I hope this to be my outlet to share my journey thought this mess. I doubt anyone will read this. But if I can help just one person that’s what counts.

So welcome to the world of the anxiety bomb.


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