Today like most days now I look forward to the first few moments when I wake. For just a short time my mind isn’t racing, my heart hasn’t started pounding, and the nerves haven’t kicked in…and I feel…what I suppose normal is. As usual the feelings are short lived and anxiety creeps in.
Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person’s ability to lead a normal life.
An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling.
That brings the choice. Do I deal with feeling out of control scared to do much. Or do I live in my drug haze of Valium and dizziness of the propranolol…but atleast I can function. So I choose the bandaid. Because in the end that’s all these meds are to me. To function enough to get out of bed. Maybe leave my house for a short time.
Today, is a better day. As I write this I’m actually sipping a cup of coffee. Something I’ve not even had the motivation to make recently, and for those who know me it’s something I live on. I’m finding some distractions where I can, simple easy to accomplish tasks help. I bought a couple small cross stitch kits, easy and small and something i can finish and won’t overwhelm me.
Tomorrow brings a step I’m scared to do, which is go to a new doctors office to fill out intake paperwork so I can finally make an appointment with a psychiatrist. After so many years of working with my amazing GP his retirement has made this particular bomb harder to deal with. But my hopes are that a psychiatrist will maybe be able to help me finally find a good combo of meds to manage this. I feel like for so long it’s been me plugging the hole in the dam with my finger and it’s just not working anymore. It’s time for a real fix so I can have a real life and not be held back by irrational fears.