So much for thinking today was going to be a better one. As I write this I feel the anxiety taking over…
The panic hits so quickly, its like my world suddenly spins out of control with out any warning.
My typical warning is the obsessive thinking, focusing on something out of my control, worry, stress, anxiety quickly take over.
Then my heart. Oh lord it feels like its going to beat right out of my chest. The shaking hands, and sweaty palms set in.
If I’m lucky I’m not at work when these feelings set in. If not. Work becomes a problem. Working with at risk youth, suddenly everything feels like its on my shoulders, I become overwhelmed quickly, and I snap.
I lash out. Unfairly often to the one who just happens to ask for something at that wrong moment. At work this can’t happen, as I often work with teens who have only known life like that, and I am supposed to be a positive role model not behaving irrationally as they do.
Outside of work. Its often friends and family to take the brunt of it when I lash out. Its almost as if I’m watching myself behave this way, but I have no control. I know I’m being irrational, “crazy” and I can’t stop myself.
Tonight, I couldn’t face going out to see two good friends. Rationally I know they will understand as best they can what I’m going through, but the thought of losing it, a full blown panic attack in front of them…it sent me into an panic.
So here I sit instead, as my head fills with more thoughts, anxiety about having to go to a new doctor tomorrow. What will new meds do. Will I even be able to continue working at my current job. With the meds (bandaids as I call them) I’m on I can’t work, I’m too slow and off balance to handle an out of control teen, not to mention I don’t even know if my job would allow me to continue to work should they know that its due to a “mental illness” that I’ve been out. Which leads to…if I can’t work, I won’t have insurance to pay for my medications, let alone anything else. Its a dark spiral I’m in.
I suppose its time for the nightly valium and hope that it helps quiet my mind enough to sleep and stop my ramblings.
Its funny how things work…just after I finished writing this, a thunder storm started. The first of the season. It is one of the most comforting things to me. Looking for the good things tonight.