Anxiety is The Monster on my back. It’s always there. Sometimes he just whispers insecurities in my ear. Others, he takes over my whole self. He makes me do, and say things I don’t mean. I hurt, and drive away others because of his influences. He is always there. He will never leave me. The Monster.
Today, I felt inspired to pull out my old pastels and charcoal and just let myself free sketch. Something I NEVER do. In fact. In college I always joked that I was a photography major because I couldn’t draw. Truth is, I think too much to draw. I want everything to be perfect. First try. No mistake. I want to be perfect. Ha. I get frustrated quickly trying to actually draw something. Sometimes given anothers drawing I can copy it almost exactly. But today. I did something I hated when I took drawing classes. I hated letting go and just seeing where the sketch took me. I spent a few hours just drawing. Nothing else on my mind. Just some CSI:NY in the background.
Now the Other Half is home. It’s his weekend, YAY, so it’s time to relax with him. No Valium tonight so I can enjoy a glass or two of wine and a movie, and some kitty snuggles. Bless him how he tries to understand what I’m going through. Reassurances when I’m falling apart. Holding me as I cry, even though he has no idea why. As I write this he’s busy buying himself tickets for a hockey game, I’m so glad. He deserves a night with his friends and to have some fun after dealing with me and this mess of anxiety for the last few weeks.