First steps are always the hardest…

You Are Beautiful

You Are Beautiful © Lindsey Sheret Reuse of this image is prohibited without consent of the photographer.

I’ve been ashamed to admit that I wasn’t able to get myself out of the house earlier in the week to take care of the intake paperwork to get things rolling on adjusting my meds and getting my life back on track.

Today the Other Half and I ventured out, and we sat while I filled out the paperwork.  I picked a spot away from other people, against a wall.  Hell this paperwork is personal after all.  Just as I get to the harder questions, meds, have you ever been hospitalized for your mental health issues, suicide attempts…this old dude sits down right next to me.

Out of the whole damn waiting room you pick the girl in the corner filling out paperwork.

So here I am, trying to write about how at one point I checked myself into a psych ward, and once I downed a whole bottle of pills, and then the screening test…all with someone I don’t know right next to me.  Talk about an anxiety attack.

And my mind is racing…

Is he looking?

Is he judging me?

Do I get up?

How do I explain to the Other Half I want to move because I think little old dude playing Sudoku is peeping at my paperwork?

In the end I sucked it up, I knew my mind was trying to send me into a panic, finished up my paperwork and now have my first appointment next Tuesday.  Its a relief that its done, and the appointment is made, but, its filling me with anxiety at the same time.  Going to someone new, new meds, and whole lot of what ifs are forming.  But for now I’ll take this first step.

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