To walk through the front door. Such an easy task for so many people. Yet for me. It’s like I’m unlocking the door to my safe place. Letting the world in. Exposing myself to everyone. God some days I feel like I might as well be walking outside naked the way I feel.
For so long I forced myself past these feelings and through that door. To work, errands, friends, life. I could manage. Now. The lock keeps me in is my own mind. I have the freedom to walk through that door at any time but my mind wont let me.
I told myself this was it. Nothing held back. This is me. I did something I’ve not done in three years lastnight. While yes I am a “cutter” I choose to burn not cut. Usually I heat the metal end of the lighter and press it into my arm. The pain keeps me for about a day if its a good one. Lastnight I just wanted to feel anything else. A release. Anything for what I was. It’s so easy. Lighters everywhere. We keep candles and incense going quite often. So I did it. Once. Enough to blister. The shame I feel today is overwhelming and in turn the anxiety amps itself up.
For so long I was so proud. How long I had gone. Now I’m so mad at myself. Beating myself up. How stupid could I be??!!!
I also realize that the depression I was so much trying to deny was as bad as it is…well is as bad as it is. I know its all my brain playing tricks on me. Lying. Deceiving. My Monster.
This song tonight…has been with me. Over and over. I do love it. To me it is so much of how I’m feeling…