As I began to write this I wanted to cry. I can’t stand this mess that my apartment has become. In reality it’s really not so bad. A LOT of clutter and junk that just needs to be thrown out or put away. I feel like I’m losing a battle against myself though.
I am ashamed. I don’t want people in my home. But its gotten so bad now it’s so overwhelming I don’t even know how or where to start. So I do what I call maintaining the mess. I will NOT let it get any worse. I try to clean when I can. Which usually isn’t much. Motivation is so hard to come by these days and I know the environment I have around me does nothing to help the situation because it’s a huge source of anxiety.
Thus starts a terrible cycle. I try and start to clean, because of the anxiety, which I’m quickly overwhelmed when I can’t just tell myself do “THIS” today. We can work on more tomorrow. No. I have to fix it all NOW. So I move from place to place not really doing much and freaking out till I have to stop. And here I sit. In a slightly picked up living room which is MUCH need of a vacuum.
That last paragraph. As I sat wallowing in self-pity. I realized I need to just do SOMETHING. The dishes. We needed them done. Piled up to say the least. And I hate doing the dishes but I admit also my turn. And I realized there is no one here but myself to push me to do anything. So I got up and I did those damn dishes. Well most of em. But looking at my counter seeing a pile of clean dishes instead of a sink of yuck. I feel better. Tomorrow I will do a little more. I WILL do SOMETHING tomorrow.
A little relief. A little more brought by the nice day outside and the open windows bringing me fresh air…