The First Session…

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The Anxiety started almost as soon as I woke up this morning.  The looming thought of this first appointment today always in the back of my head.  I tried to stick with my normal morning routine as best I could.  Pets all cared for.  Shower done.  Coffee and meds, maybe some TV with the Other Half to take my mind off things.

No luck.

My hands shaking…heart is pounding…mind is racing.  And the weather outside matches how I feel.  The past few days have been wonderful.  Nice.  Sunny, breezy.  Today.  Cold.  Rain.  Sleet.  Snow in the forecast and I have to walk to the appointment.  Not a long walk.  About 10 minuets.

But the Anxiety builds.  I decided it was time to take the other half of my 5mg Valium.  Counting down the minuets.  Waiting…waiting for the meds to kick in.  Waiting for the time to leave….

The walk felt like it took forever.  All I wanted to do was run home and hide.  But I made it.

My therapist is awesome.  Sweet little lady.  So easy to open up to.  But I realized as I was rambling on and on, on different topics…and I wonder…do I sound manic?  Do I just sound flat out crazy?  Or is it all the pent up anxiety coming out as I talk?  I apologized more than I can remember for rambling.  I lost my train of thought a lot.  Oh lord.  Now I realize what I mess I must have looked.

I go back next week.  Second of three mandatory sessions before I am fully admitted to the clinic and can see a Doctor.  Great.  I’m out of valium in a few days even though I break my pills in half to conserve them.

I just need to remember to breath…

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