I don’t know how to explain how I’ve been feeling lately. The anxiety is always there. Making me uneasy. Uncomfortable. I feel bogged down by the depression…like everything is just too hard to do. Then…I get these bursts of energy. I’ll clean…put music on and even dance around a little while I do the dishes, I feel inspired to do art work, I get all these ideas of things I want to do. Then BAM. I’m back to where I started. No energy. Lost.
I’m nervous. The Valium they gave me at the walk-in is almost gone. It’s about the only thing that really helps calm me down when the anxiety gets bad. The walk-in has already told me they won’t give me more. I don’t have a GP in the area. I MIGHT be able to get my old GP’s office to write me a script but I’d have to drive over 45 minuets one way to pick it up since they can’t fax scripts for a controlled substance. I could go to the ER. That risks me ending up in the hospital for a few days…and I’m not ready for that. I’ve got atleast another week of appointments before I can even try and see a Doctor at the clinic. I’m scared I’m going to totally fall apart.
I’m not even sure continuing to take the Lexapro is even worth it. It’s not helping my symptoms. But I don’t want to take myself off a medication without talking to a Doctor first. Last thing I want to do is make everything worse. But that little voice in the back of my head likes to tell me its a good idea. But it likes to tell me a lot of things that arn’t true.
While I was able to take care of more than I planned to do today, I just feel defeated. No matter what I do isn’t good enough. I wan’t to curl up in a ball and cry and make this all go away. I blame much of this on trying to hold off on my valium for when I really really really need it since I have so few left. It scares me how much I feel like I rely on these medications…but I know how much worse I can get when I’m not on them.
Some days I wonder what its like just to feel normal.