Why I hate myself…

Tonight. On top of feeling off today then going on a cleaning spree. I sat down with the Other Half to watch some tv. He has to run out for an errand and when he comes back we finish up our episode of Chuck on Netflix.

No biggie. The episode is done I’m waiting for the next to start and he asks “can we watch something else?”

I’m irritated. I don’t wanna watch something else. But I do it cuz he asks and he puts up with so much. It’s a simple request. So I start looking for something we will both like…he says he doesn’t care.

Great. So now what?

I find something. And he wants to nap.


So then he wants to switch spots on the couch.


Then I’m trying to get myself adjusted. The things I want where I want them. He’s constantly knocking things over. Making me move things. MOVING THINGS I PUT where I wanted them.

I snap.

I yell.

I make him feel bad for wanting to get comfy and take a nap after working.

Why? Because I just got pissed off. For no reason. It’s like I watch myself do and say things and I can’t stop myself. It’s like someone else takes control and all I can do is watch…

I had to flat out tell him that everything he was doing was going to piss me off and it wasn’t his fault it was just how I was feeling at that moment. Thankfully he gets it. Or try’s. Oh how he tries. I don’t deserve someone who puts up with this horribleness that is me.

I’m still mad. I don’t know why. It’s been an hour now. I’ve calmed down…but I’ve not. I just…feel lost.


4 thoughts on “Why I hate myself…

  1. I feel ya. I almost always feel lost. It totally sucks. I’m really good at self hatred and self directed anger. The only thing that works for getting me out of that mode is an ativan, 10 minutes of meditation, and a shot of whiskey.

      • Paxil made me a zombie when I was on it. Ativan has always been my fall back. Buspar gave me serotonin sickness mixed with my meds so they gave me Valium. It’s helpful but I feel much more out of it than when I was on Ativan.

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