Well. The last few weeks have not been so good. Depression. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Sobbing like a little baby for half the day.
Bright spot was seeing my amazing nephews and niece this weekend. Although it was exhausting keeping up the happy aunt vibe when all I wanted to do was sit in a corner.
Today brought therapy. I know I have a hard time speaking up for myself. I sit in the background and feel left out. Not good enough. Not interesting enough. And I don’t know how to vocalize how I feel. I stutter and stumble over my words or stop talking if someone speaks over me. So when I met with my psychiatrist later and she not only has a habit of talking a lot. And over people leaving me feeling small. But when I admitted that I sometimes take an extra 2.5mg of Valium over what she prescribed a few times and she gave me a hard time over it. It left me sobbing in her office.
Once again I make a mess of everything.
But I also told her how I’ve been feeling. That I’m really depressed. I don’t feel like the meds are helping. And she actually I’m the end gave me a script for the 2.5mg 3x a day (7.5mg total daily) for the Valium. Keeping the 25mg hydroxyzine in the morning and at night (50mg total daily). And we are trying out Viibyrd. Which means a taper off lexapro this week then starting 10mg Viibryd next week and increasing to 40mg within 3 weeks.
But. One thing she said really really bothers me. That you are not born with anxiety it happens to you.
I know that it is something I was born with. I’ve always had it. For as long as I can remember. And I realize this more and more as I go through the journey. And for her of all people to say that honestly bothers me to the point of anger.