New meds.

Well. The last few weeks have not been so good. Depression. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Sobbing like a little baby for half the day.

Bright spot was seeing my amazing nephews and niece this weekend. Although it was exhausting keeping up the happy aunt vibe when all I wanted to do was sit in a corner.

Today brought therapy. I know I have a hard time speaking up for myself. I sit in the background and feel left out. Not good enough. Not interesting enough. And I don’t know how to vocalize how I feel. I stutter and stumble over my words or stop talking if someone speaks over me. So when I met with my psychiatrist later and she not only has a habit of talking a lot. And over people leaving me feeling small. But when I admitted that I sometimes take an extra 2.5mg of Valium over what she prescribed a few times and she gave me a hard time over it. It left me sobbing in her office.

Once again I make a mess of everything.

But I also told her how I’ve been feeling. That I’m really depressed. I don’t feel like the meds are helping. And she actually I’m the end gave me a script for the 2.5mg 3x a day (7.5mg total daily) for the Valium. Keeping the 25mg hydroxyzine in the morning and at night (50mg total daily). And we are trying out Viibyrd. Which means a taper off lexapro this week then starting 10mg Viibryd next week and increasing to 40mg within 3 weeks.

But. One thing she said really really bothers me. That you are not born with anxiety it happens to you.

Seriously?!!

I know that it is something I was born with. I’ve always had it. For as long as I can remember. And I realize this more and more as I go through the journey. And for her of all people to say that honestly bothers me to the point of anger.

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2 thoughts on “New meds.

  1. Maybe when your psychiatrist said that anxiety happens and you aren’t born with it, she meant that the level you’re at. I don’t know what your dynamic is like, but I don’t imagine she intended it to hurt your feelings. If she did, maybe you should get a different psychiatrist. πŸ™‚

    When I suddenly started having bad panic attacks in 2012 (for the first time after maybe 5 or 6 years not being medicated), I began to wonder what triggered them. Was it something in my head? Was it a chemical imbalance? Was I just emotionally overwhelmed? So I asked my therapist if my condition was nature or nurture, and she basically said that oftentimes it’s both.

    I imagine a person can be born with a chemical imbalance which renders you anxious all the time from birth. But the “nurture” aspect of anxiety, I don’t think you can be born with that. It turned out for me that I just had too many big changes happening at the same time, and couldn’t handle it.

  2. Hey! Good luck with everything – hopefully you’ll find a counsellor in addition to your doctor, one that’s a little better with the talking (that one doesn’t seem so good). That’s what helped me. Keep up the good blogging πŸ™‚ you capture certain feelings perfectly. It’s nice to see other people vent about familiar things πŸ˜‰

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