The sting of yesterday’s encounter hasn’t left me. It has in fact led me down the rabbit hole of bad memories. Words. So many words that have left not scars but open wounds that will not heal.
One of which is the words of my ex fiancé during his explanation of what led him to break things off.
“I want to be with someone who’s as smart as I am.”
Years later the words still haunt me. The pain never eases. It hurts as bad as the day he said them.
In reality. Am I as smart as him? Hardly. I’m smarter. Ha!! I know I am far smarter than he dreams he is. My vocabulary is better than most adults I know. I have actually managed to get a collage degree when he, even having his schooling handed to him and paid for by the military can’t manage to pass a collage class. And honestly. I know my IQ score and I know his. And in even the numbers I beat him.
So why does is hurt me so much even now?
Oh so many words that haunt me. Things people have said to me that have in fact broken me just a little more.
I can remember. 15. High School. Right after lunch, stopped in the bathroom, and a girl from my class…someone I’d thought of as a friend, asks me if I do drugs because I wear purple lipstick.
At that point I’d never smoked a cigarette let alone tried any type of drugs. Worst I had done was have a drink or a few when the parents were out.
Ohhh the rebel I was….
To be asked such a thing. I don’t know how I managed the rest of my day. Honestly I don’t remember much of high school…it was just an anxiety filled hell.
Words…that burn to this day…
Being told at 15 when I told by an adult when I wouldn’t go back to school that I’d never achieve anything, I was ruining my life. Sitting for an hour and a half as he lectured me about how…in my mind I was worthless.
Words that hunt my memories…
I’m not sure how old I was…10 maybe. My mom and I pulled into our driveway, her van fresh from being washed and waxed. Trying to be silly I made some stupid comment about the cats not being able to jump on the van now the wax would make it slippery and swiping my fingers against the side of the van mimicking the cats slipping trying to get a grip. I remember being scolded and made to wipe my finger prints from the van.
An ex years ago defending his friend after this friend once again verbally assaulted me. Saying oh it’s just how O is. He’s an asshole.
No. It’s not. Ok. It’s just ok to justify verbal abuse.
The leave wounds that hurt…and haunt some people forever.
To me words hurt more than physical abuse. They hurt. They stay with me. They remind me of all my faults. Those that people point out.
How I play with my hair and have a soothing habit of rubbing a piece on my lips…how often I hear…
“How’s your hair taste”
I don’t know asshole. If I was actually putting it in my mouth I’d tell you. And what the hell gives you the right to say a damn thing???
It’s not like I walk up to people and say wow your mom must have a HUGE nose cuz yours is GIGANTIC!!
That’s how I feel.
How often we don’t think before we speak. How it hurts people. Or how others will take what we said.