Stuck in the past.

I have come to the conclusion I DO NOT like Viibryd.  Yesterday was the start of the 40mg dose.  If anything the anxiety feels far more intense.  I can feel the anxiety attacks coming on like a storm.  But whats worse is the just overall feeling all the time that something is not right.  Like the anxiety is just under the surface waiting to jump out again.

Oh and the hair loss.  Thats awesome.  Every shower I have hand fulls of hair fall out.  If it keeps up I swear I’ll be bald in a few weeks.

Sometimes I just want to be out right mean to people.  To people who have wronged me so long ago and I kept it in.  Secretly keeping score.  Now I want to lash out.  Say the things I would never say otherwise…focusing on things I can’t fix or change, but I can’t let them go.

It leaves me wondering what I did so wrong to some of these people that they treated me like they did.  Or better yet.  Why did I let people…and continue to do so…treat me as if I’m worthless?  I continue to think back on the most recent incident when another female was moved to the unit I worked in with troubled youth…aka juvys.  While I knew her history of making things difficult and being not so nice to other staff.  I treated her just as I would any other person.  Sunday mornings our longest work day (15.5hrs) I would make a full pot of coffee knowing she was also a coffee drinker so she could have some too.  When we got our fake Kurigg I would share my k-cups with her.  I supported her with the kids we worked with.  In fact.  I was about as professional as I could be.  So when she constantly talked about me behind my back at work.  Would run to tattle on any little thing I did that was not “by the book”, and the topper of the situation.  Bribing kids with candy to actually not listen to me and treat me like shit.

What did I do?!  What slight could I have caused to make her treat me this way?

I can look back through so much of my life and see these types of things play out over and over, and I’m always left wondering what I did.  It must be my fault right?

Perhaps the better question is why do I feel the need to try to make these people like me?  Why do I time and time again, allow people to treat me like crap, and hope that by treating them as I would anyone else that they will somehow like me?

The worst part is.  The people who truly do like me for me.  Who are my true friends.  The ones who treat me how I treat them.  I never think they like me either.  I assume they put up with me because of my Other Half, or that I worked with them.  Forget the fact that they will text me, call, ect on their own to check in on me.

Regardless, I need some relief.

At least I can talk to my psychiatrist about all this tomorrow at my appointment.


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