Sometimes you just want to give up.

This week has been very…very overwhelming.  Aside from what I’ve previously written about, the other night brought on a full blown anxiety attack while I was at a store.

Since the car currently needs to have the registration renewed we have only been driving later in the evenings to avoid the possibility of being pulled over.   Which means my anxiety is already high when we get to Wal-Mart.  Thankfully the store isn’t too busy, but the staff seem to be restocking or some such thing which in the end makes me paranoid that they are following me as I wandered looking for something by myself.

Once myself and the Other Half were done with our quick stop to pick up a few basics and such, we head to an empty check out.  Everything is fine, I swipe my benefits card from DSS.

Invalid Pin.

Ok.  No biggie.  I put it in wrong.  I try it again.

Invalid Pin.

Ok.  So my permanent card isn’t activated yet.  I pull out my temp card.  Swipe.  Pin.

Invalid Pin.

People are behind me in line.  I’m starting to panic.  I don’t have cash.  Only this card.  I can feel the panic attack starting to take over.  The tears are coming.  I tell the girl at the check out to go ahead with the people behind me while I figure out whats going on.  My mind is telling me everyone is looking.  Judging me.  Even more so because I’m on government assistance.  I mean.  They must know.  They probably saw the card.  So then they probably are judging me more because if you look at me I look like I can work…

The anxiety is taking over and I’m in the middle of a damn store.  At first I resist the Other Half telling me we should step out side.  I realize I’m probably causing a scene and finally go with him.  Once in the car we call the help line.  After what seems forever I find the option to reset my pin.

Great.  It says it worked and my card will work.  Instead of going back through the line I attempt to just take my money out from the ATM.

Still declined.

The anxiety starts all over again.  The Other Half has to take me out of the store as I’m just falling apart.  At this point I can’t stop the tears.  I totally fall apart on the way home.

It all sounds so stupid now that I write it.  How a simple every day event that caused me to in the end flee to my car and cry.  How weak and small it makes me feel.

In the end the fix was easy as stopping by the DSS building and having my card reset.  But going back to the store after this happened was worse.  What if they remembered?  What if its the same check out girl?  What if…what if…what if.  Even going in with cash instead of relying on a card didn’t help.  I was flustered and couldn’t remember half of what I needed to pick up.  In the end no matter what I feel as if I have failed.

Yesterday, was a slightly better day.  Today, day 4 of the 40mg of Viibryd I actually feel a little better.  I feel slightly less on edge that I have, no major panic attacks.  But.  My hair is still falling out, and it’s quite a bit every time I wash it.  By the end of the day, my legs ache, mainly the joints but the muscles too, with no explanation.

Yesterday was also supposed to be my appointment with the psychiatrist.  Which was canceled since she was sick.  I’m now rescheduled for Monday.  Not great but better than anticipated.

While meeting with my therapist today, we spoke a lot about how I seem to ignore the friends who are good friends.  And try to please the people who are nothing more than leaches in my life.  Although now I’ve all but cut most of them from my life.  Some remain.  For some reason, I cling to these friendships, although each of these people have hurt me very deeply in some way or another.  And those memories of those things they have done that would to anyone with any sense would have ended a friendship, I allow to continue to hurt me because I wont let the reminder of all that hurt go.  Honestly they probably don’t even know or remember what they have done to hurt me so badly.  But I do.  I even let these people seep into my facebook.  I’ve started blocking some posts from people because I just can’t stand seeing them so happy when, not only have they made me feel terrible at some point but they are happy while I feel like this.


2 thoughts on “Sometimes you just want to give up.

  1. Over Father’s Day, my wife and I were visiting my parents with our dog. Long story short, we wound up being asked to leave a café patio because our dog was territorially barking at another dog. Even though I didn’t have a panic attack, I definitely felt the urge to remove myself from the area as quickly as possible, I guess just from embarrassment. It’s weird how it can feel like you’re a bystander who goes into being the unwelcome center of the universe in a few seconds.

    P.S. – Hope I’m not a leech 😐

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