Bye bye Vialbyrd.

After having my psychiatrist appointment canceled on me twice, I finally met with her today. I walked in, my journal tucked away in my bag, with a list of everything side effects wise I’d been experiencing. Knowing that she likes to talk and I often lose my train of thought.

Thankfully I didn’t need my handy journal, and after just explaining a few of the side effects, she stopped me and said the magic words I thought I would have to fight to hear…

“This medication is not right for you, let’s see what else we can try.”

After some discussion she decided to give Zoloft a try. Continuing on the Valium and hydroxyzine as I’d been taking them.

Then the bomb shell.

She’s retiring August 18th. Well crap. The other psychiatrist on staff will take over until they get her replacement who is unknown at this time. Awesome. Not that I’m in love with this psychiatrist…the thought of someone new was not exciting.

But. Let’s rewind to the start of my day. I woke up early not feeling well. Ended up throwing up a few times and was afraid I might have to cancel my appointment today. Since I wasn’t feeling well, I wasn’t able to eat, and I didn’t feel comfortable taking my meds when I wasn’t sure I could keep them down.

Fast forward to 3:30 on my walk to said appointment. I’m full of rage. Everything. Everyone. Makes me want to scream. I hate them all. How inconsiderate they are ect ect ect…

After the appointment with my psychiatrist I managed the walk home without much issue. The Other Half and I had plans to go to his mothers tonight to help her with some work on her house and for dinner. Since the car is still off the road we went outside to wait for his mom to pick us up, the Other Half ran back upstairs to get my forgotten phone and charger. I stood waiting, with the dog, a hoodie under my arm in case it cooled off while we were out.

Then these two men walked around the corner from the little convince shop. Idiot One makes the comment as he sees me and the dog “Oh that some scary shit over there” Idiot Two replies “Yeah the dogs scary too” laughter from both of them.

I give them a dirty look but keep my mouth shut. It’s not worth it.

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Idiot One keeps talking making some comments about “ugly ass bitches not knowing how to take care of themselves”

I ignore it. It’s not worth it….

Finally as they are finally past me one of the two idiots made a nasty comment about how I had a “fluffy coat like a blanky” more laughter.

The RAGE is full blown. It’s all I can do not to yell after them “if you have something to say, say it to my face ******”

I realize. I was thinking of yelling at to black men and calling them the N word to boot. I feel the world tilt…the tears are starting…and I run to my apartment before the full anxiety attack takes over.

I can hardly get the words out to the Other Half about what happened. I’m so mad. I want to throw things. Break things. Not a good idea. I punch my fridge instead.

The Other Half goes down to talk to the manager at the shop where these guys were coming from and he explained what happened. This guy is a known scum bag of the neighborhood no surprise there. Thankfully the store owner also happens to be my landlord so I know he won’t let this stand.

The RAGE is still going strong when he comes back. At this point I’m ready to go confront these guys. Scream yell. Oh hell I think at one point I said I wanted to wait for them to be walking under our windows so I could dump broken glass on them.

Out of my MIND angry…

And the question flying through my mind is why?? I really? What the hell did I do? I was standing there with my dog. Obviously waiting for someone. So to just blatantly be rude like that to upset someone. What did I do???

All of this happened hours ago now. The depression has set in. I’ve replayed this over and over. Wishing I had spoken up. Done something different. Anything. What’s worse is the shame of how I acted in the moment in front of my Other Half.

In the end it does confirm that the Viibryd is not helping. Next up. Getting off this junk and hoping that the next one does something.

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2 thoughts on “Bye bye Vialbyrd.

  1. I can empathize with you. I really “love” how the anxiety attacks bring on strong depression. It sucks. Hopefully, your doctor will find the correct meds for you. It took several tries to get it correct for me. Hang in there.

  2. Sorry to hear that happened to you. For whatever it’s worth, when I have run-ins with unsavory people, I take solace in imagining how lousy their pasts / presents / futures must be in order to have shaped them into someone who would act that way. Because it’s never good. Abandonment, being taught you aren’t going to amount to anything, a constant feeling of cultural ostracization, and just kind of a general emotional poverty. Even though it was channeled at you, and it was a personal attack, the fact they didn’t get a rise out of you probably bothered them more than if you’d reacted. In all likelihood, they’ve been conditioned to think that acting up and being idiots is the best way to get attention. So a victory for you for not giving it to them, and remember, they probably aren’t very happy people.

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