Finding validation without a voice.

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I suppose it’s only appropriate that the entire blog post I’d originally written for this title, was somehow erased, no auto-saves happened during the time I was typing.  Just gone.

I started this post, after an upsetting chain of events that happened on Facebook.  An Ex of many years ago, who I’ve stayed friends with made a post about his car.  He who if you knew him at all would know that car issues are very common for him since he either takes terrible care of his car, or goes to shady shops that continue to screw him over.  (I’ve watched this happen over and over and over and over in the 13+ years I’ve known him).

It failed inspection for a silly reason, to which I responded with how I didn’t think this was a valid reason for a fail, but even so if he was going to order the part and could show the shop he should be able to get a temporary sticker.

What I was met with was just continued reasons why this just wont work/help and blah blah blah.  Which means he’s just getting more and more pissed off, and apparently he got pulled over to boot.  Instead of acknowledging my advice, he just shot me down over and over.  Then some of his little friends chimed in basically making me feel even worse and questioning what I had to say because they “didnt see anything on the DMV website”.  Regardless that I’d stated my information was coming from a mechanic.

The Rage started.  Oh how I wanted to open a can of crazy all over these idiots who probably can’t even put their own windshield wash in themselves.

Breath.

I send him a text instead.  Telling him that he’s acting like a jerk.  He claims that I’m reading into things too much and had no intentions of being rude in his comments.

Finally.  The words come out.

When he talks to me like that, he leaves me feeling that my words have no worth.  They are not valid.  That this is how he has always made me feel.  That by just shooting down my thoughts with negativity and not acknowledging that I could be right in this instance.

I was met with nothing.  No response.  No I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way.  Just nothing.  As embarrassing as it is to admit it.  He being an English major, and hoping for some feedback on my blog if he was willing to read it.  Again ignored.

What did I expect?  I mean.  He’s an asshole.  He freely admits it.

Why does it mean so much for him to actually hear me.  Listen.  And respond like a human being?  I wish I had the answer.  I know continuing to talk to him, allow him into my life isn’t asking for anything but more problems.  Why not just cut him out?  Because apparently my mind gets some sick pleasure of my need for some type of validation from him.

It would be oh so easy to blame him for how I feel now.  That I have no voice.  That what I have to say doesn’t matter.  I’m just talked over, or met with silence.  While his actions probably did nothing to help matters…I know it’s not just him.

So many times I’ve tried.  Tried to reach out as best I could.  Open up.  Only to be let down time and time again.  Always left feeling that when I talk…people don’t listen or care and will talk over me because what I have to say isn’t important.

Lets add to the fun that I’m now on day 5 of the taper down to 10mg of Viibryd and taking 15mg of Zoloft with it, I’m a mess of out of control emotions some days.  Recently it’s been just deep depression.  No reason I can find…just overwhelming depression.  The Anger is still there, although it seems…sometimes to be getting better although this morning maybe it’s still pretty bad.

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