The attempt to be perfect in an imperfect world…


A good portion of my anxiety seems to come from an overwhelming need to be perfect. Each day is obviously met with an overwhelming sense of failure.

I have set impossible standards for myself. None of which I can ever really meet to my satisfaction. And in turn I will beat myself up over small things.

For me my favorite time of the day is when I first wake up. Nothing has had the chance to go wrong just yet.  The day is fresh and new…and my mind likes to play its little tricks and tells me that maybe today…for once…we can do everything right.

But then the day starts.  My apartment is a mess…all I see are things that should be getting done, and I can’t even manage to get that done.  Then slowly things will with out fail, will fall apart and not go according to this plan I have in my head.  Every misstep leading me to believe that there is nothing I can do right.

Not one thing.

But how can a person even make the attempt to be perfect in an imperfect world?  Is it even possible?  I see these other girls…with their amazing taste in clothes, perfect hair, make up, confidence.  How can I compare to that?  Obviously shes figured out how to be better than me right?  But I am not the girly girl.  I hardly wear make up, my hair style is pulled up and out of my way…and clothes…whatever is comfy today.

Once again…I fail.

I’m fairly certain that the medication changes have not helped this situation either.  With the overwhelming depressing having firmly set up camp.  It leaves me feeling hopeless on top of everything else…

Today marks my very last day on Viibryd.  Tomorrow we start 50mg Zoloft, 25mg hydroxizine twice daily, and 2.5mg Valium 3x a day.  I will keep my fingers crossed that the Zoloft will do what its supposed to do and I can start to feel a little less on edge all the time.

Regardless I know there are positives…one of which is my new obsession for the week…the dehydrator.

Awhile ago the Other Half took a trip with some friends out to Bass Pro Shops, obviously aside from his fishing supplies he picked up he came home with a huge bag of the cure/marinade for jerky.

Now I freely admit I have a jerky problem.  Addiction really.  So this…the idea of HOMEMADE jerky?!!  Oh lord I was in heaven.

Only issue we continued to forget to pick up the dehydrator from his parents house.  Now granted I had other plans for the dehydrator aside from jerky.  Like fruits.  Things I can snack on and are healthy, plus its a cheap easy way to make treats for the dog too!

Finally last weekend we remembered to bring the thing home.  And this is what I’ve learned.

Dehydrating fruit with sweet potatoes makes everything taste like sweet potatoes.

Bananas.  Oddly take a long time to dehydrate.  Mine are still kinda chewy…but I’ll still eat them.

Homemade jerky is the best.

And I am a beef jerky addict.

We made a batch 2 days ago.  1 1/2lbs of beef.  Marinated for 12 hours.  Made just as the package stated and it came out amazing.  Except. It’s basically gone (did you think I was kidding when I said I have a problem?).  I now have almost 2lbs of meat going.  This time though we added some extra seasonings to the cracked pepper marinade/cure.  Now the wait.


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