I’m ashamed to admit I had a relapse into my self harm last week. It feels so stupid now. How I just wanted to feel something…anything from what I was feeling at that moment I lost control and let myself fall back on my old ways.
Oh the shame I feel as I tend to my burns. Not as bad as I used to do…I suppose my tolerance to the pain isn’t what it I used to be in the old days.
While they are almost healed already the shame remains. How weak I was in that moment. That others can see my weakness (I only burn myself on my left forearm).
Worst of all is the shame of letting down the Other Half.
A stupid promise I made. Not to do it again. As if I have that kind of self control when things get bad. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He of course was upset. Felt betrayed I suppose. All because I only I want to escape these feelings that overwhelm me to the point where suicide doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.
Oh the things I have to live for. So many of them. The biggest? My nephews and niece. Except…my oldest nephew of almost 6 the last time I saw him confused me with my sister in laws sister.
The children who bring me the greatest joy don’t know me. How could they miss me?
Funny how the mind works. I know better than what it attempts to tell me. But it doesn’t change the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis.
Everyone will be better off without me.
I don’t matter to anyone.
I’m not a productive member of society.
It goes on and on.
Each day I have to find my ways of telling myself it’s all worth it. Someday the meds will help again.
Needless to say the depression is at an all time high. Anxiety is a constant in my life. And the thoughts of doing things I shouldn’t run rampant in my head.
I will stay strong. I have lived 31 years with this I can manage awhile longer.