An update of sorts.

First I’d like to apologize to those who’s comments were not moderated in a timely fashion…I have been finding my motivation to do anything very lacking. Please know that I appreciate all comments and feedback.

I’ve given Pristiq just about a month now. I am not a fan. It’s giving me the feelings I had while on the Effexor XR right before I put myself in the hospital.

Unfortunately it’s been a waiting game of my old psychiatrist retiring and not having any available appointments between my med change and her last day. I’m now waiting until early September to see the new psychiatrist.

This led me to make up a list of all the medications and med combos I’ve been on since my teens. Knowing there have been times I’ve forgotten things when asked in an appointment.

So far this is what I’ve been able to recall including some dosages. Keep in mind this is probably from when I was about 15 to now (31).

Prozac (unsure of dosage)
No meds aprox 2-3 years
Paxil (unsure of dosage)
No meds for aprox 3-4 years
Prozac 20mg + Ativan 1mg
Effexor XR 250mg
No meds for aprox a year
Effexor XR 375mg + Ativan 1mg
Lexapro 10mg + Buspar
Lexapro 20mg + Buspar
Lexapro 20mg + hydroxyzine
Lexapro 20mg + Topimax
Lexapro 20mg + Amitriptylin
– valium, propranolol added later to this combo and amitriptylin dropped.
Lexapro + hydroxyzine + Valium
Viibryd 40mg + hydroxyzine + Valium
Zoloft 50mg + hydroxyzine + Valium
Pristiq + hydroxyzine + Valium.

Its a list that makes me feel so discouraged. So many things I’ve tried and have failed. Never really feeling…the way I guess I think I should.

Basically SSRIs are out. As far as I’m concerned so are SNRIs are too since I tend to end up with very suicidal thinking while on them.

I’m hoping a new set of eyes may open up new doors towards finding me something that helps.

I miss having motivation. I miss not having to put on the “happy mask” to go out and face the world.

I miss wanting to live my life.

The breakup letter I should have sent 6 years ago.

I want to state simply for the record. I hate you.

Three simple words…

I. Hate. You.

How I longed to say them…and have you know I really meant it. Over 6 years and you…no matter how many times you prove you are not worth my time. I allow you to be in my life.

You have no right. You took my heart time and time again and smashed it. Then. As if it was fun for you. You would allow me to put it back together again only to break it all over again.

You would think I would have learned. Cut you from my life six years ago when I let you break my heart for the third and last time. But I hold on. As if you being my friend truly matters.

At first. It only made me feel better. Watching your misery. Living at home. First the girl you left me for refused you time and time again. Then. In a stagnant relationship. Oh how it made me feel good. Watching you so unhappy. Finally you were starting to feel the pain you’d put me through.

The years of letting your friends use me as a verbal punching bag. I was after all just “taking it to personally” right? Leaving me hanging time and time again. Refusing to ever make plans.

Blowing me off…to now what I know was to go off and cheat with other girls.

But you were always unhappy, just enough to make me feel better.

And then there she was. Taking cute selfies with you…something you always made fun of me for wanting to do. You. Making plans. Going places you would never go with me. You. Making public declarations of your love…

You. Happy. It makes me burn with rage…it truly hurts it makes me so angry I want to scream.

Why?

Why do I have to feel this way??

I hate you.

That fact I am sure of.

What does any of this matter any way?

Because. You were the first boy I loved. I thought for so long…and you let me…that we would get married. Silly little girl I was…fooled by a boy.

You hurt me. And now I want you to hurt like I do. Still. The things you did. The things you said. They still hurt. They left wounds that will never heal.

I will never trust like I did before I met you.

You broke me. And I can never forgive you for that. Perhaps some day I will be strong enough to finally cut you from my life.

Please until then. Don’t forget. I hate you. For every thing you did. And everything you didn’t do.

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Fear is my greatest enemy.

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Yesterday was a very bad day. Super high anxiety, depression looming, I found myself often just sobbing for no reason.

Old wounds burned as my mind ran rampant in my old memories. Whispers in my ear that I’m not good enough…a burden on everyone…

I couldn’t focus. On anything. Even my excitement over the new season of Haven streaming on Netflix couldn’t break into the place my mind was in. I just couldn’t keep my mind on it.

So I sat down to write…but what about? I admit, I’ve been neglecting my blog,  I hardly wanted to moan away about another bad day, just allow myself to wallow.  Maybe it was because I didn’t want to admit yet another med…isn’t working.  Beyond all that my last two therapy sessions were canceled and the next one isn’t until the 28th.  Oh lets not forget my psychiatrist retiring to top things off in 2 days…so hopes for a follow up on meds is not in the near future.

Instead I turned to another topic…Piper. I almost didn’t even post it. I was scared. Scared of the negativity I could bring to my safe place….the place where I lay my heart and soul out for all to see.

I then did the unthinkable. I shared it. On Facebook with the Bring Piper Home Group.

Writing has been such a hard thing for me for so long. The fear of judgments on what I think.

What I got was such wonderful feedback…comments here and on Facebook that…I know no one knew just how much it all really means.

Out of one of my darker days recently there suddenly was a light. The darkness lifted a bit. Slowly I was able to take back the rest of my day.

Each day is a battle…that I will win.

COSR and a dog named Piper

About a year ago, the Other Half and I were on our way home from my Dad’s place, when we spotted a dog running loose on the streets.  We quickly pulled over, seeing a buff colored pit bull type dog, we were careful to approach her, but quickly realized she was VERY friendly and must belong to someone.  We looked around a bit, then decided we would take her home for the night, as the ASPCA had closed already.

We took a couple pictures and put them on Facebook, thinking maybe we would find her owners before having to take her to the shelter.

Although, we…and I’m ashamed to say it, had a brief moment where we thought…we could just keep her.  We’d been talking about getting a dog…she was there…and obviously loved and cared about by someone.  If it were me in their position I would want someone to do the right thing.

Within an hour we had people saying they knew the dog, then her owners girlfriend messaged me directly…which didn’t turn out so well.  As I just wanted to verify proof of ownership before giving the dog to someone, she then began to become very harsh…threats to call the cops on me.   All because we found her dog that had gotten loose with no collar, tags…anything.

In the end her boyfriend being of a cooler mind, sent us a photo and confirmed he was her owner.  Within 20 minuets we had her reunited with her family.

In the end.  Any pet owner hopes this is what will happen should their pet ever go missing.  They hope someone will be kind enough to take it in…and then take the correct steps to make sure it is returned to it’s person.

But what if that doesn’t happen?

For a dog named Piper, and her owner Veronica Covatch unfortunately this was not the case.

For those who don’t know the story lets back up a bit.  Piper is a 5 year old champion show dog, a Sheltie, and also a member of Veronica’s family.  In April 2014 Veronica left Piper in the care of a friend in Ohio (they reside in Pennsylvania), this was Easter weekend.  Piper unfortunately escaped  on Good Friday and was picked up by Franklin County Animal Control, who discovered that Piper had a microchip which indicated she belonged to someone.

Now here is where things get sticky, as accounts of what has happened differ greatly, I will attempt to give you the information as I understand it. I’ve heard that the micro chip was not registered but did have the Vet’s information, and a phone call may or may not have been made.  But, lets keep in mind this was a holiday weekend.  Before the attempt was truly made from the accounts I’ve heard, Piper was then handed over to the Central Ohio Sheltie Rescue or COSR that following Monday…3 days later.

Once Veronica became aware of the situation, she attempted to contact the rescue, with no luck, she left messages with no response.  She sent pictures, provided proof of being a co-owner of the dog, as well as her breeder.  She in fact offered to even pay to have Piper DNA tested to prove Piper was her dog.

Thats when Penny Sanderbeck, who runs COSR, made the claim that Veronica is no longer Pipers rightful owner.  The National Sheltie Rescue Network even attempted to step in and help mediate the situation with no luck.

Since then it’s been a battle, both legally and via social media.  There are claims from the COSR camp that Veronica had rehomed Piper last year, because she was sterile, or because she was killing puppies.  They claim that Veronica no longer wanted Piper and sent her to live with strangers, who then let her escape.  (They back these claims saying you can find this information easily online, a posting of her listing the dog for re-homing, but after many exhaustive searches I have yet to find this “proof”).

Ok.  But Veronica is also Pipers breeder, and most ethical breeders I know will have any new puppy owner sign a contract stating that if they can no longer keep the dog, it will be returned to the breeder.  So if its a case of new owners no longer wanting the dog, and Veronica wants her back…whats the big deal right?

Apparently its a VERY big deal.

The matter went before a judge who ruled in Veronica’s favor to have Piper returned to her, or Penny would have to pay a $10,000 bond to keep Piper, until the case went back to court.  So what did COSR do?  They posted the bond.  Which, to be fair apparently only had to put down $200 of the $10,000…which if they lose the upcoming case COSR will be forced to pay the remaining part of the bond.  Which brings in to question…if this RESCUE loses where will they be getting this $10,000 from?  Donations?

The worst part of all this is no one has seen Piper outside of the COSR inner circle it seems.  Which leads to more questions…WHERE IS PIPER??  Is she even safe?  Did they spay her out of spite?  Or worse?

What I find most disturbing is the blatant internet trolling of the COSR supporters of any articles written supporting Pipers return home.  Yet, they will not come out with any of the apparent massive amounts of “evidence” they have showing Veronica is not Pipers owner, and is unfit to have her back.

I say fight on Veronica and Piper.  We wont rest until you are home!

**These are personal opinions I have formed from following the Bring Piper Home Facebook group, as well as doing a vast amount of research regarding this topic.  Please understand no negative or harassing comments will be allowed or responded to.  This is my personal blog that I chose to write about a “hot” issue I feel strongly about, but I will not tolerate any type of trolling or negativity, this is my blog I use for healing.  Thank you.  **

http://www.nbc4i.com/story/26284026/rescue-group-refuses-to-return-runaway-sheltie

http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2014/08/12/sheltie-ownership-struggle.html

http://www.naiaonline.org/guest_editorials_and_commentary/page/fairy-tales-into-nightmares#.U-4bgu3GNhk.facebook

 

A great loss to us all.

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Last night as I sat sipping a glass of wine, intent on my BBC drama my phone buzzed, flipping it over it was an update from my local news station….

Breaking News: Robin Williams dead…

My heart stopped. It couldn’t be true. Not the funny man I had come to love over the years.

Frantically I searched the internet…finding an article that saddened me even more. He had apparently taken his own life.

I’m sad to say it wasn’t a huge shock. As I fumbled with my phone the thought raced he either did too many drugs and overdosed or it was suicide.

I suppose that those of us who have suffered Major Depressive Disorder know that it’s those like Robin Williams who are hurting the most. Comedy most often comes from our darkest places our deepest insecurities and making others laugh hides our true feelings and insecurities.

I’m beyond saddened that he felt there was no way he could go on living in the world, even after all the joy and laughter he gave to all of us.

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I will always remember sitting and watching Hook for the first time. Also I’m fairly sure my first of his movies I had ever seen. He captured my heart as genie in Aladdin. First seeing Dead Poets Society…

Even in my darkest hours you brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart. Without knowing you helped me through my own depression. For that Mr. Williams I am always thankful for what you did.

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Rest well I hope you have found the peace you were unable to find.

I’d like to add that if you are feeling depressed or thinking of taking your own life there are other options. Please reach out to help. There are many wonderful suicide help lines as well as local crisis lines in your area. At the top of this post is the national suicide prevention hotline #.