One step at a time. 

I fought hard against myself today, wanting to send the ex one last message. To have the last word before I bocked him again after the stupid 48 hour reblocking rule on Facebook. I resisted the urge. All I would have been doing is giving him what he wants. A reaction. The satisfaction of upsetting me using every way he knew possible. 

I won’t let him have that. I won my battle by staying silent. Not freaking out and going over board in anger at his blatant attempts at hurting me.  This is not something I am good at. My anger gets the best of me more often than not. It’s the one emotion that really gets the better of me most days. 

Today I woke feeling…slightly better. The intense depression seems to be subsiding. I hope it is. The anxiety tho is through the roof. Plus this randomly bursting into tears and sobbing uncontrollably is getting old fast. 

I had hope the increase of seroquel would help even me out, instead I feel like I’m drowning in my own emotions. 

I want to feel…normal. I don’t think I even know what that is or if I have ever experienced it in my life. But I want it. Instead I’m probably looking at another change up on my meds that have been helping more than anything else has in years. 

All I ever want to do is sleep. But today…today I must leave the comfort of my home, and cook dinner for my dad and stepmom. Usually a day I look forward to…today it just makes me feel exhausted. 

I will not back down, I will take the step forward I need to push myself out of my home for more than a short period of time. 


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