It’s a little bit like dating.

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I feel like the waiting period to start a new medication can sometimes feel like the anticipation of a first date. Why? Well. Any first date you’re nervous. Will you get along? Will things click? Could this be THE one?

Well that’s how I feel about starting this new med. What ifs start.

But I wonder…will it work? Could I feel better? Normal?

Or what if it’s a date from hell?

What if the worse happens.

This new med I start tomorrow, Viibryd while has it’s standard list of possible side effects. Actually pretty typical of depression/anxiety meds. For those of you not in the know these can include…

Diarrhea
Nausea
Vomiting
Trouble sleeping

But. The more research you do you find there can be some more serious side effects like easy to anger, mania, depression, suicidal thoughts or actions, weight gain…ect ect ect. And while I am a worrier anyway i have to know what side effects to lookout for. I know that the lexapro gave me a slight manic episode when I first started it. I know this now looking back. But in the moment i just felt AMAZING.

I know better than to expect the magic fix. That I’ll feel better the day I start taking it. But I still feel the anticipation. Wondering. Will this help? Or only open my world to a new level of hell.

Only time will tell.

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One more week…

Today I had my second appointment with the therapist.  Whew.  Emotionally I’m exhausted.  I’m not really sure what she asked…or…it it was just the walk to the appointment that got me worked up with anxiety but…starting things off with a full on room starting to spin panic attack.  Well I’m sure you can guess how well things went.

Honestly I don’t know what happened today.  I realized some things I’ve been holding in for so long…and had no idea.  Admitting it, to myself mostly….once I get these thoughts organized more I’ll try to write more…but I’m still all jumbled…

What I do know is I have my first appointment on the road to atleast getting on the right meds.  I see the nurse for the clinic next week. I HOPE she can atleast get me a refill on the valium at that point, I have to do an intake appointment with her first before I see the psychiatrist.  But until then I’m without and struggling.

I’ve also apparently been fired.  Which they have yet to tell me but I’ve heard it through other people.  I’m considering this on top of everything else thats happened there I may consider legal actions.  Which means I have no income.  So thankfully my therapist is sending me off to DSS to get paperwork so I can get assistance due to mental illness.  I’m so glad she’s willing to help me get that right now…not that I EVER wanted to live on assistance like that I know for sure I can NOT work the way I feel right now.

I feel like I’m failing.  I’m letting everyone down.  I hate it.

Sleep. My friend. Why did you go…?

There is something so defeating about the insomnia starting.  Up until now while my sleep was riddled with constant waking and such, I was atleast sleeping.  Last night, I sat.  Hour…after hour…after hour…waiting…hoping for sleep.  Instead I think I dozed off just before 7am.

The Other half wakes at 8am to get ready for work.  No biggie.  Gotta take some pain relievers anyway.

Back to bed.

Waiting.

Ok.  TV on atleast I can close my eyes and listen to that.

Oh no…no no no…pain killers on an empty stomach I know better than that what was I thinking???!!  Twenty minuets throwing up…back to bed.  I think it was about 10 when I finally fell asleep.

I’m up now.  Kitties informed Momma that it was in fact breakfast time.

Time for coffee.  Maybe if I’m lucky a nap later.  I feel physically tired but my mind screams at me “IM AWAKE!!!!!!!”

And things started off so well…

My mind is having a field day with me today.  I keep swinging between feeling overly motivated I’m going to talk a mile a minuet, and take care of everything on my to do list…to so overwhelmed with anxiety I don’t know whats going on anymore.

I’ve already erased and re-written this post many times today.  Thankfully as I write I start to realize this BRILLIANT idea I HAD to write about is really just ramblings of my over thinking/working mind before I posted any of that silliness.  I’m finding my ability to filter these things weakening.

I’m getting moodier.  Everything pisses me off now.  For no reason.  *sigh*  Makes being around people hard.  Honestly I’ve not left the house in days.  I KNOW I need to, but I can’t take other people.  Monday brings my next appointment which I atleast have to walk to, good thing, I need it.

I know I need to write some of these things down for my appointment on Monday or I will never remember to talk about it with my therapist. I’ve also been all but out of my Valium.  That DOES NOT HELP.  I took a half of a 5mg awhile ago.  I realized it might be one of those times I was saving it for.  I gotta stop this feeling of spinning out of control.

I hate today.

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Days just keep getting worse. I’m so mad all the time now. For no reason. Motivation is not there.

I push myself to atleast make sure the Zoo is feed and happy.

Cleaning has slowed but progress is being made.

I blame the Valium or lack there of. I’ve only been taking it when I really really need it. Which means some days I won’t take it to conserve it. Today is one of those days.

I’m on edge. Can’t take the edge off. I feel like a caged animal. About to explode.

The idea of leaving my apartment scares the crap out of me. But I really need to. It’s been days since I’ve actually been outside.

My focus is off. I just can’t stay on one thing for long and that drives me insane. I’m shaky. Constantly needing to be moving. I’m not hungry. I force myself to eat because I need to bot because I’m hungry. And please don’t get me wrong. I LOVE food. I always joke being a small girl that I’m a fat kid stuck in a skinny girls body that’s how much I love food and love to eat. So this not eating thing is not cool.

The Other Half is doing his best to help. He surprised me with a new DS game and Frozen yesterday. Both I’ve been wanting. And it sure helped my mood. He does is best. And I’m so best thankful for him. He keeps me grounded sometimes when I think I’m about to lose my mind.

I feel disjointed and rambley today as I write. My state of mine I suppose.

I’m feeling so hopeless right now. I hope my appointment on Monday helps calm me.

Maybe some art later. It’s not like sleep comes as easy anymore.
on

I am…moody.

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This terrible mood has settled in to stay for awhile it seems.  I’m super moody today.  Everything is just annoying to me.  I want to scream…cry…pull my hair out…go back to bed…I don’t know.  I feel achy…my joints hurt….my knee is the worst of it…which was injured a few years back, and I have arthritis in it now…

I have no motivation to do a damn thing today.

Not even some art work…

I just keep telling myself maybe later..

I want it not to be cold out.  I want my damn windows open.  I want the fresh air.

I don’t want to be around people.  I can’t stand anything today.  Last thing I want to do is snap at some poor unexpecting person who does something that makes me mad for what ever reason.  Or worse.  Take it out on my Other Half because he did something without knowing and that…for whatever…reason has pissed me off.  Then I become the biggest brat in the world.  In public.  I can’t do that again.

So today I sit at home.  My cats seem to know I need some space.  Yet…they will come sit next to me for short times.  They know when I need them there.

Maybe just going back to bed would be a good idea…

This too shall pass…

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I don’t know how to explain how I’ve been feeling lately.  The anxiety is always there.  Making me uneasy.  Uncomfortable.  I feel bogged down by the depression…like everything is just too hard to do.  Then…I get these bursts of energy.  I’ll clean…put music on and even dance around a little while I do the dishes, I feel inspired to do art work, I get all these ideas of things I want to do.  Then BAM.  I’m back to where I started.  No energy.  Lost.

I’m nervous.  The Valium they gave me at the walk-in is almost gone.  It’s about the only thing that really helps calm me down when the anxiety gets bad.  The walk-in has already told me they won’t give me more.  I don’t have a GP in the area.  I MIGHT be able to get my old GP’s office to write me a script but I’d have to drive over 45 minuets one way to pick it up since they can’t fax scripts for a controlled substance.  I could go to the ER.  That risks me ending up in the hospital for a few days…and I’m not ready for that.  I’ve got atleast another week of appointments before I can even try and see a Doctor at the clinic.  I’m scared I’m going to totally fall apart.

I’m not even sure continuing to take the Lexapro is even worth it.  It’s not helping my symptoms.  But I don’t want to take myself off a medication without talking to a Doctor first.  Last thing I want to do is make everything worse.  But that little voice in the back of my head likes to tell me its a good idea.  But it likes to tell me a lot of things that arn’t true.

While I was able to take care of more than I planned to do today, I just feel defeated.  No matter what I do isn’t good enough.  I wan’t to curl up in a ball and cry and make this all go away.  I blame much of this on trying to hold off on my valium for when I really really really need it since I have so few left.  It scares me how much I feel like I rely on these medications…but I know how much worse I can get when I’m not on them.

Some days I wonder what its like just to feel normal.

The monster wants to come out and play…

The Monster

He’s always there. Lurking. Waiting for the right time to strike.

He waits until I’m not expecting, and he strikes.  Taking over.

He takes everything.  Leaving only devastation behind…

 

Even in my drawings he’s always there. Lurking. Waiting for me to find him.

Release at least comes from my drawings but I feel so much darkness in them when I’m done.  It scares me sometimes…

He’s lurking over my shoulder waiting for later. Till I can’t sleep…

Today.  He’s in my mind.  Making it race with doubts.  The panic washes over me.  Waves.  Self doubt.  Terror.  Stress. What ifs?  Tomorrow is a huge stressor for me today.  Tomorrow will be worse.  I don’t expect much sleep tonight how I’m feeling tonight.  I half wonder if I should take an ambian…but, I hate how out of it I am the next day, and I figure with my other meds, I’ll be a mess.  Or will I be a mess on no sleep…and again he takes over….

Sorry for the high post count today…

Why setting goals is important

Dance Copyright Lindsey Sheret

Setting small achievable goals to help get myself through the day was something I learned in a way, back when I spent some time in the psych ward.  I’ve attempted to keep doing in through my life the last few years.  Sometimes with better results than others as I seem to have a problem with having grand ideas and failing on the follow through.

This concept is something I’ve used as I’ve worked with at risk youth. (A little side on my job.  I am in essence a corrections officer in a low security residential facility for teens with behavioral issues/school/family/ect.  Most of my kids have some type of anxiety/depression/PTSD, some molested, others have other issues but you get the idea rough job.)

Many of the kids I work with have trouble keeping focused through the day, and when unfocused they turn to more…unhealthy ways of getting their energy out.  Its all a balancing act.  But little goals.  Sitting a kid down, and saying ok, so right now we are going to go do this together.  When we are done.  You can do with with so and so.  Then it will be time to do this.  It gives them confidence they know where their day will go when so often its been an uncertainty.  Uncertainty can lead to anxiety…and the downward spiral starts.  Focus, and knowing what the day will bring can help ease some of those anxieties.

But what about unfinished goals?  Thats why I choose small easy goals at first.  Things I know I can accomplish.  As those easy goals get easier for me.  I move on to harder goals to push myself.  It is also an exercise in knowing yourself.  Knowing where you are that day. Today is starting out not so well for me so I will push myself but not too hard.

Also, knowing that goals unfinished are ok.  They can always be your goal for tomorrow.  That I think is the hardest part.  But it teaches acceptance.  That not everything in life can be accomplished when we want but it doesn’t mean we fail.  And if we fail?  Does it hurt us?  No.  We always have tomorrow.

Maintaining the Mess

Meter Copyright Lindsey Sheret

As I began to write this I wanted to cry. I can’t stand this mess that my apartment has become. In reality it’s really not so bad. A LOT of clutter and junk that just needs to be thrown out or put away. I feel like I’m losing a battle against myself though.

I am ashamed. I don’t want people in my home. But its gotten so bad now it’s so overwhelming I don’t even know how or where to start. So I do what I call maintaining the mess. I will NOT let it get any worse. I try to clean when I can. Which usually isn’t much. Motivation is so hard to come by these days and I know the environment I have around me does nothing to help the situation because it’s a huge source of anxiety.

Thus starts a terrible cycle. I try and start to clean, because of the anxiety, which I’m quickly overwhelmed when I can’t just tell myself do “THIS” today. We can work on more tomorrow. No. I have to fix it all NOW. So I move from place to place not really doing much and freaking out till I have to stop. And here I sit. In a slightly picked up living room which is MUCH need of a vacuum.

That last paragraph. As I sat wallowing in self-pity. I realized I need to just do SOMETHING. The dishes. We needed them done. Piled up to say the least. And I hate doing the dishes but I admit also my turn. And I realized there is no one here but myself to push me to do anything. So I got up and I did those damn dishes. Well most of em. But looking at my counter seeing a pile of clean dishes instead of a sink of yuck.  I feel better.  Tomorrow I will do a little more.  I WILL do SOMETHING tomorrow.

A little relief. A little more brought by the nice day outside and the open windows bringing me fresh air…