As excited as I was for the freedom of the Internet again. The ability to be able to easily write a blog post. Lost the battle of my settling in depression.
I am blaming this funk on the Viibryd. Week one while still tapering off the lexapro wasn’t so bad…
Some mood swings. Very vivid dreams. I once woke and upon opening my sleepy eyes I saw something sitting next to my bed. Confused I think I must be the dog…or oddly maybe the other half?! I reach out to touch it and my hand goes through it and it’s gone.
I’m now 5 days in on week two and upped to 20mg of Viibryd this week. Brain zaps. Those started about the first day of the second week. They get worse as the day goes on. Sleep is restless, but when I do sleep it’s filled with odd and often disturbing dreams. I am depressed. If I’m off even a little bit on taking my meds I’m a bitch on wheels and nothing better piss me off till I’ve had em in my system for an hour. I feel like I’m having more panic attacks. Or maybe they are just more intense than before. Either way I’m feeling awful. Oh. Did I mention the paranoia?? Going out with the dog at night is a panic attack waiting to happen. Every person is out to jump me…
I have relief in knowing I see my psychiatrist early next week and we can work on this. I’m at the point where I can’t do much. Even riding in the car sets me off in to a panicky mess.
Plus the added stress that my father is in a foreign country for the next month vacationing with my stepmom. has my brain going nuts with what ifs. And keeps sneaking in horrible thoughts that he’s going to die.
Not to mention the waterfall of things that just seem to keep going wrong. Costing money we don’t have. Need tires to get my car to pass inspection. Need inspection to re register my car. All costing more and more money….and it just seems to go on and on….
It’s hard to remember to to breath when my mind is running all this through my head at 100mph.
Although I’ve lacked a lot in motivation I’ve begun slow work on a wall mural. And have been researching on how to possibly start my own small business. Which gives me something to throw my over anxious self into. All the time my mind will whisper at me this is all a stupid idea…self doubt.
Out of all my negativity I can say I was very proud of myself today. The Other Half had to run by a friends house quickly this morning and I decided I would take the dog out for his morning walk so we could atleast walk part of the way together. As we left the house He asks me “do you have keys?” Which I tell him no as I head on out with the dog while he locks up.
After Rojin had done his business. I headed back home. And the Other Half kept walking.
It wasn’t until I got to the door that I realized what had just happened. He had walked off with the keys to get back inside. I have the rule I don’t leave with anything of value when I walk around where I live. So my cell phone?
Ok so I could catch up to him…I realize there is no way I would be able to do it with the Rojin with me. Poor old man wouldn’t be able to keep up the pace needed.
Ok. Bright side. The landlord owns the business downstairs and I know the person working will have access to the spare key.
Ok. But. I have the dog. I can’t walk into a convenience store with him. Finally I convince him to go into the enclosed stairway to my apartment without me (note it is just my apartment and one other up there and they know my dog so I wasn’t worried about leaving him for a few) and onward to the key.
Except. It’s not there.
My luck. But. Atleast I have a borrowed cell I can text the OH on and tell him not to spend 3 hours at his friends seeing that I was locked out.
I then proceeded to wait with my dog who, I’m pretty sure thought I was doing this just to be an asshole, sitting on the floor next to our front door. Listening to my cat cry from the inside because I wouldn’t open the door.
Normally a situation like this would cause me to lose it. Freak out. Panic attack. Omg wtf do I do?? Type situation. But today I kept my cool and managed not to lose it.
Small steps I guess.