Why I hate myself…

Tonight. On top of feeling off today then going on a cleaning spree. I sat down with the Other Half to watch some tv. He has to run out for an errand and when he comes back we finish up our episode of Chuck on Netflix.

No biggie. The episode is done I’m waiting for the next to start and he asks “can we watch something else?”

I’m irritated. I don’t wanna watch something else. But I do it cuz he asks and he puts up with so much. It’s a simple request. So I start looking for something we will both like…he says he doesn’t care.

Great. So now what?

I find something. And he wants to nap.

Ok.

So then he wants to switch spots on the couch.

….ok….

Then I’m trying to get myself adjusted. The things I want where I want them. He’s constantly knocking things over. Making me move things. MOVING THINGS I PUT where I wanted them.

I snap.

I yell.

I make him feel bad for wanting to get comfy and take a nap after working.

Why? Because I just got pissed off. For no reason. It’s like I watch myself do and say things and I can’t stop myself. It’s like someone else takes control and all I can do is watch…

I had to flat out tell him that everything he was doing was going to piss me off and it wasn’t his fault it was just how I was feeling at that moment. Thankfully he gets it. Or try’s. Oh how he tries. I don’t deserve someone who puts up with this horribleness that is me.

I’m still mad. I don’t know why. It’s been an hour now. I’ve calmed down…but I’ve not. I just…feel lost.

This too shall pass…

I don’t know how to explain how I’ve been feeling lately.  The anxiety is always there.  Making me uneasy.  Uncomfortable.  I feel bogged down by the depression…like everything is just too hard to do.  Then…I get these bursts of energy.  I’ll clean…put music on and even dance around a little while I do the dishes, I feel inspired to do art work, I get all these ideas of things I want to do.  Then BAM.  I’m back to where I started.  No energy.  Lost.

I’m nervous.  The Valium they gave me at the walk-in is almost gone.  It’s about the only thing that really helps calm me down when the anxiety gets bad.  The walk-in has already told me they won’t give me more.  I don’t have a GP in the area.  I MIGHT be able to get my old GP’s office to write me a script but I’d have to drive over 45 minuets one way to pick it up since they can’t fax scripts for a controlled substance.  I could go to the ER.  That risks me ending up in the hospital for a few days…and I’m not ready for that.  I’ve got atleast another week of appointments before I can even try and see a Doctor at the clinic.  I’m scared I’m going to totally fall apart.

I’m not even sure continuing to take the Lexapro is even worth it.  It’s not helping my symptoms.  But I don’t want to take myself off a medication without talking to a Doctor first.  Last thing I want to do is make everything worse.  But that little voice in the back of my head likes to tell me its a good idea.  But it likes to tell me a lot of things that arn’t true.

While I was able to take care of more than I planned to do today, I just feel defeated.  No matter what I do isn’t good enough.  I wan’t to curl up in a ball and cry and make this all go away.  I blame much of this on trying to hold off on my valium for when I really really really need it since I have so few left.  It scares me how much I feel like I rely on these medications…but I know how much worse I can get when I’m not on them.

Some days I wonder what its like just to feel normal.

The First Session…

The Anxiety started almost as soon as I woke up this morning.  The looming thought of this first appointment today always in the back of my head.  I tried to stick with my normal morning routine as best I could.  Pets all cared for.  Shower done.  Coffee and meds, maybe some TV with the Other Half to take my mind off things.

No luck.

My hands shaking…heart is pounding…mind is racing.  And the weather outside matches how I feel.  The past few days have been wonderful.  Nice.  Sunny, breezy.  Today.  Cold.  Rain.  Sleet.  Snow in the forecast and I have to walk to the appointment.  Not a long walk.  About 10 minuets.

But the Anxiety builds.  I decided it was time to take the other half of my 5mg Valium.  Counting down the minuets.  Waiting…waiting for the meds to kick in.  Waiting for the time to leave….

The walk felt like it took forever.  All I wanted to do was run home and hide.  But I made it.

My therapist is awesome.  Sweet little lady.  So easy to open up to.  But I realized as I was rambling on and on, on different topics…and I wonder…do I sound manic?  Do I just sound flat out crazy?  Or is it all the pent up anxiety coming out as I talk?  I apologized more than I can remember for rambling.  I lost my train of thought a lot.  Oh lord.  Now I realize what I mess I must have looked.

I go back next week.  Second of three mandatory sessions before I am fully admitted to the clinic and can see a Doctor.  Great.  I’m out of valium in a few days even though I break my pills in half to conserve them.

I just need to remember to breath…

The monster wants to come out and play…

He’s always there. Lurking. Waiting for the right time to strike.

He waits until I’m not expecting, and he strikes.  Taking over.

He takes everything.  Leaving only devastation behind…

 

Even in my drawings he’s always there. Lurking. Waiting for me to find him.

Release at least comes from my drawings but I feel so much darkness in them when I’m done.  It scares me sometimes…

He’s lurking over my shoulder waiting for later. Till I can’t sleep…

Today.  He’s in my mind.  Making it race with doubts.  The panic washes over me.  Waves.  Self doubt.  Terror.  Stress. What ifs?  Tomorrow is a huge stressor for me today.  Tomorrow will be worse.  I don’t expect much sleep tonight how I’m feeling tonight.  I half wonder if I should take an ambian…but, I hate how out of it I am the next day, and I figure with my other meds, I’ll be a mess.  Or will I be a mess on no sleep…and again he takes over….

Sorry for the high post count today…

I hate the phone.

Its a funny statement for me to make as I previously worked as a call center supervisor, taking hundreds of calls daily.  But the anxiety of making calls has always been there.  Today, I got a call from a local number I didn’t know so I sent it to voice mail, it’s from the place I bought my car from a few years back regarding some ” important information I would be interested in”.  To my mind this is…there is a fatal flaw in your car and need to bring it in right away or it will explode.

Ok so I call them back.

And it’s a damn sales pitch to get me to come in and get a new car.  How I could pay less than I’m paying now…blah blah…I inform the nice guy that I OWN my car so I don’t pay anything on it. (I now wish I had asked if that meant I could get a car for free.)  I also hope this is my way out.  But.  Now I’m stuck on the phone.  Trying to find my escape.  I’m stuck.  A few minuets later I’m able to manage my way in and tell him I don’t have any money so no I don’t wanna come in to look at cars.  My out.

Now I’m mad.  My anxiety is flaring in the back of my mind…wanting to find its way out.  Take over.

Focus on the positive.  I’ve met all my goals for the day.  Kitty litter boxes changed.  Second half of the dishes done.  Swept the hall and kitchen, wasn’t able to use the swiffer…the wetjet fluid junk was empty.  But thats ok.  Folded and put away all the towels that have been sitting in the laundry basket for weeks.

And for your viewing…my freshly redone Red Bellied Toad tank…if you don’t remember I spent hours tearing apart their tank, installing the new filter/waterfall, rebuilding the land portion, and well CLEANING everything.  I’m pretty proud of how it turned out, and they seem pretty darn happy with it too.

Slowly I will get my life and the things surrounding me back in order.  I know its a slow process.  Tomorrow is the first step.  I have my first appointment at the mental health clinic.  I’m nervous about that.  I don’t know what to expect.  I also have to walk to my appointment, no biggie it’s not that far but it gives me anxiety about people I work with will see me.  Ugh.

Why setting goals is important

Setting small achievable goals to help get myself through the day was something I learned in a way, back when I spent some time in the psych ward.  I’ve attempted to keep doing in through my life the last few years.  Sometimes with better results than others as I seem to have a problem with having grand ideas and failing on the follow through.

This concept is something I’ve used as I’ve worked with at risk youth. (A little side on my job.  I am in essence a corrections officer in a low security residential facility for teens with behavioral issues/school/family/ect.  Most of my kids have some type of anxiety/depression/PTSD, some molested, others have other issues but you get the idea rough job.)

Many of the kids I work with have trouble keeping focused through the day, and when unfocused they turn to more…unhealthy ways of getting their energy out.  Its all a balancing act.  But little goals.  Sitting a kid down, and saying ok, so right now we are going to go do this together.  When we are done.  You can do with with so and so.  Then it will be time to do this.  It gives them confidence they know where their day will go when so often its been an uncertainty.  Uncertainty can lead to anxiety…and the downward spiral starts.  Focus, and knowing what the day will bring can help ease some of those anxieties.

But what about unfinished goals?  Thats why I choose small easy goals at first.  Things I know I can accomplish.  As those easy goals get easier for me.  I move on to harder goals to push myself.  It is also an exercise in knowing yourself.  Knowing where you are that day. Today is starting out not so well for me so I will push myself but not too hard.

Also, knowing that goals unfinished are ok.  They can always be your goal for tomorrow.  That I think is the hardest part.  But it teaches acceptance.  That not everything in life can be accomplished when we want but it doesn’t mean we fail.  And if we fail?  Does it hurt us?  No.  We always have tomorrow.

Maintaining the Mess

As I began to write this I wanted to cry. I can’t stand this mess that my apartment has become. In reality it’s really not so bad. A LOT of clutter and junk that just needs to be thrown out or put away. I feel like I’m losing a battle against myself though.

I am ashamed. I don’t want people in my home. But its gotten so bad now it’s so overwhelming I don’t even know how or where to start. So I do what I call maintaining the mess. I will NOT let it get any worse. I try to clean when I can. Which usually isn’t much. Motivation is so hard to come by these days and I know the environment I have around me does nothing to help the situation because it’s a huge source of anxiety.

Thus starts a terrible cycle. I try and start to clean, because of the anxiety, which I’m quickly overwhelmed when I can’t just tell myself do “THIS” today. We can work on more tomorrow. No. I have to fix it all NOW. So I move from place to place not really doing much and freaking out till I have to stop. And here I sit. In a slightly picked up living room which is MUCH need of a vacuum.

That last paragraph. As I sat wallowing in self-pity. I realized I need to just do SOMETHING. The dishes. We needed them done. Piled up to say the least. And I hate doing the dishes but I admit also my turn. And I realized there is no one here but myself to push me to do anything. So I got up and I did those damn dishes. Well most of em. But looking at my counter seeing a pile of clean dishes instead of a sink of yuck.  I feel better.  Tomorrow I will do a little more.  I WILL do SOMETHING tomorrow.

A little relief. A little more brought by the nice day outside and the open windows bringing me fresh air…

Pets and Anxiety/Depression

My pets save me every day.  Close friends and family pick on myself and The Other half that we have a Zoo.  Three cats…Cal, Echo, and Prelude, two Chinchillas Paode and Dhalia, two Fire Bellied Toads, the Bearded Dragon Nanashi (aka Dragon), and our albino snow leopard gecko name still TBD.

My days consist of me waking…usually late since I still try and keep my work schedule should I be able to go back.  First things first is a cup of hot coffee for me while I’m chatted at by the cats.  It’s breakfast time.

Which they get once I’m done with my coffee.  Lights, and check in’s on everyone else, spraying down the most hide for Gecko, misting my moss and plants in the toads tank.  Checking the Dragon making sure her water is full and fresh.  Then its Chinny time.  I take my time giving them their food and hay.  I talk to them.  (They don’t trust me as much, they belong to The Other Half), followed by treats and then its me time for a bit.

Sure it sounds like a lot of work.  Honestly its probably about 45 minuets at the start of my day when I take my time with everyone.  Having them all counting on me for their daily needs gives me a purpose.  I know they count on me every day.  Not just for the general daily care.  But for affection.

Ok not the toads, they pretty much just wanna chill at home and have crickets.  Nanashi, I have hand time with most days, shes very friendly and will sit with me while I watch tv, blog, you name it.  Gecko likes to be out to wander on me, which I enjoy.

The cats.  The are my saving grace.  They know when I need them the most.  Having one of them just hop up in my lap for a snuggle when I need it the most sometimes can help bring me back to reality.  I truly believe in the understanding between animals and their humans.  They know better than we do sometimes when we just need someone right there.  Who wont judge.  They just want to give you love.

I never knew until recently that there are also service dogs for people with mental illnesses  What a fantastic idea.  Being able to bring your companion.  The one who loves you, and wants to help you everywhere.  The amazing amount of help they can be getting someone with anxiety who has trouble leaving the house outside.  They are there to help you avoid situations that can set you off.  Help bring you back to reality when things get bad.

Speaking of my loves…they are telling me momma is taking too long with her coffee and it’s time to eat.

Let your heart hold fast.

Escape © Lindsey Sheret Reuse of this image is prohibited without consent of the photographer.

 

 

To walk through the front door.  Such an easy task for so many people.  Yet for me.  It’s like I’m unlocking the door to my safe place.  Letting the world in.  Exposing myself to everyone.  God some days I feel like I might as well be walking outside naked the way I feel.

For so long I forced myself past these feelings and through that door.  To work, errands, friends, life.  I could manage.  Now.  The lock keeps me in is my own mind.  I have the freedom to walk through that door at any time but my mind wont let me.

I told myself this was it.  Nothing held back.  This is me.  I did something I’ve not done in three years lastnight.  While yes I am a “cutter” I choose to burn not cut.  Usually I heat the metal end of the lighter and press it into my arm.  The pain keeps me for about a day if its a good one.  Lastnight I just wanted to feel anything else.  A release.  Anything for what I was.  It’s so easy.  Lighters everywhere.  We keep candles and incense going quite often.  So I did it.  Once.  Enough to blister.  The shame I feel today is overwhelming and in turn the anxiety amps itself up.

For so long I was so proud.  How long I had gone.  Now I’m so mad at myself.  Beating myself up.  How stupid could I be??!!!

I also realize that the depression I was so much trying to deny was as bad as it is…well is as bad as it is.  I know its all my brain playing tricks on me.  Lying.  Deceiving.  My Monster.

This song tonight…has been with me.  Over and over.  I do love it.  To me it is so much of how I’m feeling…

A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard

A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard

ooooh

oooooh

lucy takes the long way home
meets me in a field of stone
she says “i don’t know how i’m s’pose to feel
my body’s cold my guts are twisted steel.”

and i feel like i’m some kind of frankenstein
waiting for a shock to bring me back to life
but i don’t want to spend my time
waiting for lightning to strike.

ooooh

oooooh

so underneath the concrete sky
lucy puts her hand in mine
she says “life’s a game we’re meant to lose.
but stick by me and i will stick by you.”

cause i’m like a princess in a castle high
waiting for a kiss to bring me back to life
but i don’t want to spend my time
waiting for just another guy.

ooooh

oooooh

-Jeremy Messersmith

I heard this song today, and some of the lyrics just struck me on how I’ve been feeling lately.  Like I’m a shell of a person waiting for life to return.  I also realized how very lucky I am to have my Other Half.  How he helps the best he can.

Regardless it doesn’t change how my brain likes to trick me.  Make things like going to Walmart so hard…granted it wasn’t the best call on my part to choose to go in the afternoon on a Saturday.  What was I thinking?  As soon as we walked in I coud feel how many people were in the store.  A few things I needed to pick up were sold out.  There goes my frustration level. People.  Everywhere PEOPLE.  Are they judging me?  By the end of the trip, standing in line waiting…it was like being boxed in and all I wanted to do was run.  Or cry.  I held it together.  Whew.

It’s taken some time relaxing at home to get back down from that anxiety attack.  But I picked up some new water color paper and brushes so maybe painting today will help.

The Spider © Lindsey Sheret Reuse of this image is prohibited without consent of the photographer.